An Open Letter to Hollywood

Dear Hollywood Elites,

We here at Heavy for the Vintage have been watching movies and television for most of our lives and, well, let’s just say we’ve been growing increasingly unhappy about a few things, and I think it’s high time we clear the air about the disturbing trends we have been noticing.

Let me say by way of preamble that I understand that programs and films are not meant to be completely realistic. I get that—if we wanted complete realism we wouldn’t go to the movies at all, we’d just live our boring lives. But that being said, some serious changes need to be made.

First, I think we, the American public, have had quite enough of the whole guy-falls-off-a-cliff-or-a-building-and-yet-somehow-manages-to-grab-hold-of-a-branch-or-tiny-cleft-in-the-rock-and-dangle-there-for-twenty-minutes thing. Have any of you Hollywood elites ever tried doing this? Even if you hang by one hand from a pull-up bar—and actually plan on doing it—you can’t last for more than a few seconds. So are we really to believe that someone can just happen to latch onto something as they’re free-falling? Yes, Peter Jackson, I’m talking to you.

And while we’re on the topic of free-falling please, please, please  stop having people do stuff while they’re plunging toward the earth. There would be way too much wind to grab something, operate something, or fight someone.

And if your quote-unquote actors know how to act like something they’re not (which is supposed to be the point), tell them to “act” like characters who have actual coffee in the empty coffee cups they’re carrying. If they can’t tackle that feat, then at least put some water in it to weigh it down. God.

And that whole thing of when people have conversations and even complex relationships with imaginary partners? That’s lazy, cut it out. That Indian who made The Sixth Sense  gets a pass, as does the Fight Club  guy (because those were awesome), but the makers of Battlestar Galactica,  Lost, and Dexter  don’t. Listen up, Hollywood: No one does this. It’s one of those overdone movie tricks that no one can relate to. So cut it out.

Hey, I know: How about someone actually says “Goodbye” to someone else when they end a phone call? Please, just once?

And when it comes to taking pills, trust me, you don’t need to actually open the bottle, look inside, shake it, and turn it upside down to figure out that it’s empty (same goes for clear alcohol bottles). You see, the little pills are hard and they make this rattling sound when they come into contact with the inside of the plastic bottle. So when you pull the pill bottle out of your coat and don’t hear that rattling sound, that’s how you know it’s empty  (and why would someone have put an empty  pill bottle back in their pocket after taking the final pill last time?). I honestly can’t believe I have to explain the process of pill-taking to Hollywood, but there you go. And one more thing: No one takes pills without water, so quit having people do it all the time.

Oh, and have any of you actually stopped to consider the logistical impossibility of pulling off that thing of when the person you want to kill opens the mirrored medicine cabinet in the bathroom, and when they close it, they see your reflection behind them? If you can make that happen in my home, I will actually let you kill me if you want to. Plus, whose medicine cabinet is directly in front of them over the sink in the first place? And how long have you been hiding in the bathroom waiting for me to come in? You actually broke into my house for this? And what if alls I was planning to do in the bathroom was to, umm, drop the kids off at the pool? You sure put a lot of faith in my having to open the medicine cabinet when you could have just run over me with your car.

Last thing, the process of pointing a gun at someone actually makes no sound, so enough with that whole “click” thing you always put in there. Half the guns these actors use have no hammer anyway, so all the clicking noise does is reinforce to us imbeciles that yes, that’s a gun that guy’s holding. Yeah, we see  that.

And it’s been a while since I’ve punched anyone, but I sure don’t remember it making that noise it always makes on TV.

So anyway, Hollywood, if you would please rectify these problems we, as well as the rest of America, would really appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Jason and the team here at Heavy for the Vintage.

PS – Oh, and also do something about all the immorality you guys show.