I Hate Rob Bell


Seriously. I hate that guy.

Now I admit, I’m not like an authority on him or anything. I haven’t read his new book, the one about how the Bible is a collection of stories or whatever. I haven’t read the one before that, either (I forget what it’s about, but I’m sure reading it would just piss me off).

But I did read some of his one on “talking about God,” and I think I read most of Love Wins. It’s hard to know exactly how much of any of his books you’ve read, since he writes like ten words per page, somehow convincing his publishers to let him stretch a single paragraph out over an entire chapter.

God I fucking hate him.

Stupid prick, with all his annoying questions. Oh, what if God is too big for us to be able to actually understand him? What if an eternal waterboarding session is inconsistent with a supposedly loving Father? What if the Bible contains internal tension from one author’s testimony to another’s?

Shut the fuck up, already. Geez.

Don’t get me wrong, those are really good questions and all. I mean, to whatever degree “God” is some über-transcendent Being out there, then to that degree the claim to “get” him becomes completely ridiculous. And sure, the idea that God loves people so much that he decides not to save them, and then beats the living shit out of them for, like, sideways-eight years is at least silly enough to question. And the Bible does seem like it was written by a bunch of morons, so he’s got a point there. 

But still.

I mean, “Rob Bell”—seriously, that’s your name? What the hell kind of retarded name is that? How can someone named “Rob Bell” become so frickin famous? What does Oprah even see in this guy? Oprah. Now there’s a name! I have no problem with someone called “Oprah” being famous. But some douche whose first name is Rob? And whose last name is Bell? Uh-uh, no way. It’s just not right.

But this is the world we live in, where this guy with a full head of hair and probably way less body fat than I have writes a bunch of provocative books about the same shit I write about, and gets this massive readership and truckloads of money for it? This asshole, with the same theology degree I have and probably a six-pack even though he eats as much pizza as he wants (because he’s Just. That. Lucky.), gets to spend his life doing really well what I’m only mediocre at?

God I am so jealous of Rob Bell.