Are You There, America? It’s Me, God.

Hey everyone, it’s Me, God (or “The Lord God Almighty,” “Creator of Heaven and Earth,” and “Savior of the World” if you’re not into the whole brevity thing).

As you’re no doubt aware, there was another mass shooting last night: It took place in Las Vegas and is (for the time being anyway) the deadliest in American history. Police have said that 58 have died and some 500 have been injured, and the lone shooter — 64 year-old Steven Paddock — is just some random white dude with no fringe religious or political affiliations (I for sure don’t know the guy).

So anyway, here’s the thing. . . .

As nice as it is to see that so many of you are “sending thoughts and prayers” to those affected by this tragedy, it just doesn’t work like that, and frankly, I’m surprised that you haven’t figured it out by this point.

Here’s what I’m getting at: There is a clear pattern that’s not exactly difficult to identify. There’s a mass shooting where dozens are killed or injured, Americans send their thoughts and prayers, and then a short while later there’s another mass shooting where dozens are killed or injured. And on it goes with no end in sight.

Your “thoughts and prayers” accomplish nothing, is what I (God) am saying.

You see, the world simply doesn’t work the way a lot of you assume it does, where I just step in and intervene in your earthly affairs whenever you want Me to. I didn’t help the Seahawks win, I play no roll in who your civic leaders are, and that killer parking spot you got at Costco? Total coincidence. Seriously, you were just in the right place at the right time. I was as surprised as you were.

Likewise with the bad stuff. I don’t give anyone cancer, so stop telling its victims that I do (but that I’ll also give them the strength to fight it, which seems like a pointless waste of time and money, especially for people without decent healthcare). And please, enough with the bullshit about Me indiscriminately sending hurricanes to teach people some moral lesson about queers or whatever (I’m looking at you, Mike Seaver). Hurricanes happen because of a bunch of meteorological factors that I barely understand, and cancer is even more complex (but mostly it comes down to bad luck).

Anyway, back to the shooting. This Paddock asshole was clearly disturbed and seemingly had access to enough assault weapons to kill and injure all those innocent people. He didn’t do it because I made him do it because, like I said, I don’t make anyone do anything. His reasons died with him.

And as for the prayers, well, as sincere and well-intentioned as they are they’re not going to stop the next massacre from happening. Those who claim to know Me best should have learned from that one episode a couple thousand years ago (what’s it called again? Oh yeah, the Crucifixion) that while I do enter into human suffering, I am not exactly in the business of intervening to stop evil people from carrying out their evil plans — because if I were, that would’ve been a perfect time to do it.

(Seriously, look it up. It’s in that Book you wave around while yelling at gay people.)

In fact, insofar as I can be said to “act” in the world at all, I only do it through people acting. So perhaps instead of doing nothing but confusedly staring up at heaven or piously kneeling in prayer, you should finally assume responsibility for this (almost uniquely American) problem and take some cues from countries that are just like yours except for the whole public-massacre-every-few-months thing. For real. Like maybe Australia, I hear they’re pretty good.

Also, maybe try an experiment and just forget I even exist for a while and see what happens. Because something tells me that the sooner people stop sitting idly by and waiting for Me to solve all their country’s problems directly, the quicker they’ll start taking active steps towards addressing not only gun violence but poverty, racism, and hatred as well. Because sorry to say it, this is the country you built, and it’s up to you to change its course.

Anyway, thanks for listening, America. I’m rooting for you, I really am. Because contrary to what you’ve been promised, what happens in Vegas unfortunately doesn’t stay there.