(By Noelle)
The unnamed.
It has ever been with me.
In my mind, there was always an elephant in the room and the emperor was rarely clothed.
As a little girl, the unnamed made me feel bulky and obtuse in a sea of dainty.
Sharp and seen. Every absolute presented sent me spinning, and my juvenile mind would quickly begin to disassemble to reassemble to disassemble again.
Every injustice I witnessed would burn inside until it surfaced as a rant, certainly not suited to fall from the lips of a child.
What business does a little girl have asking so many questions? Why is every response an argument?
My poor, poor mother. . . .
At 13, the unnamed set its sights on a monster within my own four walls.
“Stop what you do. It’s wounding”
The response was the first time someone named the unnamed.
Hell.
This rebellion, these questions, this unwillingness to pretend must be from hell.
Throughout my life, that accusatory voice grew. Thrown into the frame of religion, the unnamed quickly became something I felt the need to attach shame to.
I can still hear quiet reminders through clenched teeth about “rebellion being as witchcraft.”
Compliance is king in this culture, and my sharp edges rubbed dull against the padded walls of conformity, but the unnamed remained.
The ironic truth is the only time the unnamed looked like hell was when I tried to kill it, and allowed it to turn inward.
My rebellion was never against God, it was actually the advocacy of God being revealed in me.
It’s taken years of undoing to recognize the loud inside as an ally of heaven rather than an agent of hell.
I often have to remind myself what God looked like when he put on earth.
He looked like a revolution.
He looked like a friend of harlots and society’s unsavory.
He looked like an arguer.
He looked like an advocate of the voiceless.
He looked like a dissenter.
I like the way He looked.
I wish I had those years back.
I wonder what that voice would sound like had I embraced it as a beneficial soul limb at a young age.
Thankful for more days to discover how powerful that voice can become.
“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion”
~Albert Camus
Initiating slow-clap now. . . .
This is such a wonderful piece. The word choice, lyrical style, meaning between the lines – all so well executed. The subject completely resonates with me. While growing up, I was repeatedly told that I had “a root of rebellion” and that God was going to have to yank it out. I never wanted to rebel against God, I just questioned the system He’d been forced into. Turns out the system was in rebellion against God and I was just a harmless creative. Just wish I’d known that 25 years ago and been allowed to simply love Him.
Proud and thankful that the unnamed is my friend. Listening intently…
alan
“Root of Rebellion”
Translated…
“Do what I say, your strength bothers me”
Thank you, lovely Amanda for your beautiful words of encouragement. Now, we are allowed.
Noelle,
Beautifully written! I know that elephant well.
Noelle. Your light shines brilliantly; a beacon in the darkness to help lost souls find their way. I am so very proud of you, my lovely love.
Always, mom
Noelle,
I read this quickly in between lessons with the kids. I had to stop and read slowly. Now I’ll need to think on it through the day.
“It’s taken years of undoing to recognize the loud inside as an ally of heaven rather than an agent of hell.” I really love this.
The thing that strikes me in this moment is the need to give my boys the power and the freedom to rebel well. That is uncomfortable because I know they will show me things about myself that I may not want to see.
Thank you, friend, for stirring our thoughts and for rebelling well.
[…] Heavy for the Vintage […]
I think many of us have similar experiences, yet it is hard to identify, particularly when it is drowned out by all the voices that scream compliance or else…..
I’ve always been interested in the development of culture norms, particularly within a group like the church that is intended to be counter-cultural. You would think by their very nature, that they would be more accepting. But then again we all see each through the same lens of critique and suspicion.
Today’s revolutions are tomorrow’s normatives. I think we are destined to be this way. But God help the first one who steps out of line.
Lovely, lovely, lovely!
Our experiences, especially the difficult ones, create us and show us who we really are.
Sarah, such a great reminder to give our children space to rebel & ask questions… the more the better.I don’t want robot children. I want world changing children.
Rebel well. I like that.
Lxtlan, there is much room for growth within the walls of the church, especially when it comes to acceptance.
Sanya, completely agree.
Mr. Sweat, you had me at Neil Diamond.
I believe you have written this for me, My Sweet Sister,…sitting in a puddle of tears…so very proud of you
I love you, Lori.
I love this:
He looked like a revolution.
He looked like a friend of harlots and society’s unsavory.
He looked like an arguer.
He looked like an advocate of the voiceless.
He looked like a dissenter.
Damn, was he bald too? 😉
Nah, he looked like this:
https://scontent-b-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/4318_87552748107_1794834_n.jpg
Wonderful!
It made me cry.
So very thankful that you connected with it, Esther. Truly.
SIGH…. APPLAUSE… YESSSSSSS!!!!! I’ve been waiting for this dearest woman. You proclaim – over hilltops and mountains – the work that the LORD has done! Not rebellion…. just preaching of a different kind. Oh Lord, bless many through the writing of this loved woman….
I fucking WISH I had those years back too, girl. Fuck.
Love this piece Noelle! Boy, do I relate! I’m often judged a rebel – well I am a rebel, I rebel against anything cloaked in fear and blocks love from freely flowing 🙂
Knock’em dead beautiful expression of God!
Melissa, we have from now forward <3
Denise. The one who invested in me. I watched you suffer for your beautiful rebellion. I learned. You are truly a woman full of grace and I am so thankful for you.
Krista, your support floors me. Thank you.
I read this earlier today, reread again an hour later; read a third time to my husband. Thank you for speaking such piercingly beautiful truth that I can fully relate to. My youth was much the same as you describe: the compliance, the doing and not doing -and so many questions inside that I didnt have a platform to ask; but the questions never went away. I am now free, more honest with myself and with others and more clear in my understanding of grace.
Julie… beautiful. I love it. Yes, grace is something I gave been able to grow in since I’ve accepted my “make-up”. There is not much room for grace, given to self or others, within systems that don’t allow for variance.
And I am glad you found this “platform”. I’m glad we all did.
You have spoken for many. Thank you for a powerful article.
Noelle, not only is this a wonderfully terrific read, but you’ve successfully articulated how so many of us have felt and continue to feel. I look forward to reading more! Cheers 🙂
Carol, funny how alone we can feel in silence. Like we must be the only person who has ever felt this way…
Lovely and so true. As a child raised Catholic, I loved the Latin, the “costumes” of the seasons the priests wore, the incense, etc. But, I always felt closest to God in nature. My parents, your grandparents, called me a “fey” child. I communed with animals and had my own “take” on religion. At 8, my mom’s best friend asked me what I believed. When I answered, my mom said, “Where did you get that?” I answered, “I just know it is true.” I have always known. We are all one and interconnected. Love is the foundation and the most important message Jesus brought to us. How we treat others, and our world, is the lesson many people seem to dismiss. You, however, have always been true to that love.
“My rebellion was never against God, it was actually the advocacy of God being revealed in me.”
I feel the same way. I fell the same way, too. Doubt looks like rebellion to the faithful, but the further I drifted from Christianity, the closer God (or whatever you want to call it) drew to me. The truth certainly set me free, and now I too “wish I had those [wasted] years back.” How much happiness and freedom I missed!
Very nice Noelle! I had to read it slowly and twice to absorb it.
[…] In case you missed it…Noelle hit a home run in her first at bat… […]
Such a talent you are. And yes you were a rebel….so glad to say I knew you when. Hugs and Kisses all the way from Cali. Love you always!
(((((((((((Hugs angle voice>)))
Thank you all so much for the feedback. Hugs, Dusty <3
Johnny, my experience has been the same. The further I get from that place, the closer I am to God.
Awesome Noelle. This one resonates big time.