Pot-Smoking Beats Homosexuality!

sportsAccording to a recent study whose conclusions were literally just reached on Sunday at around 7pm, there are more devoutly religious people in Seattle than in San Francisco.

Such a finding is startling at first blush since Seattle is such a hyper left-leaning city, and everyone knows that the only non-Republicans who can possibly be said to love God are the even more right-wing Tea Partiers (and Seattle has, like, a total of seven of them). But then when you consider the fact that San Francisco is 87% gay — and if anyone despises the Man Upstairs more than normal Lefties it’s the abnormal (gay) ones — then the findings actually make a lot of sense.

But how was such a conclusion reached? Through extensive polling? By evaluation  of technical census data?

Pish posh. Who needs all that sociology mumbo-jumbo? The conclusion that Seattle is a more godly city than San Francisco was reached by the simple fact that the Seahawks beat the 49ers in the big game. You see, if someone is a sports fan who also happens to invoke the Almighty concerning the things near and dear to him, then he surely would have been praying that his favorite team would prevail on Sunday night. And since Seattle prevailed, God must have had more petitioners in WA than in CA. Easy peasy.

You see, the Omniscient Creator of the heavens and the earth really, really cares about football (American football, I mean. Not that other “football” that all those swarthy folk play in countries like “Angola,” “Djibouti,” and “France.”), and his fandom slash America-centrism all but ensures that he will guarantee that the team whose fans implore his aid more fervently will be the team that succeeds in scoring more points and thereby win the game. I mean, what else has God got to do with his time, right?

Kidding and sarcasm aside, while it might trouble me slightly if God paid no attention whatsoever to the prayers of football fans for their team’s victory, the idea that God actually does  care about such a thing might disturb me even more.



  1. Andrew BuckinghamJanuary 20, 2014

    Aw, come on! You’re not one if those WCF types who is gonna go all 4th commandment on my ass, are you!?!

    What’s the saying again? Give me football, or give me death?

    Joking and sarcasm not aside, yer grand.

    Kidding. I’m J-lo and your team better lose in two weeks. Sucka!

  2. ZrimJanuary 20, 2014

    Well, if he cares about how many hairs are on my head and the welfare of sparrows, two things I don’t really care about, then I have to believe he also cares for another thing I don’t–competitive sports. The comfort comes in knowing that while he doesn’t share in my apathy of things boring, he also doesn’t care the way the idolaters do, as in our ways and thoughts aren’t his.

  3. […] J.J.S. on God and football… […]

  4. Jason StellmanJanuary 20, 2014

    God may know about the status of your hairline, Zrim, but I don’t think he pays much attention to prayers for regrowth. And likewise, I’m not convinced he played much a direct role in the Hawks’ victory yesterday. . . .

  5. Jason KettingerJanuary 20, 2014

    That last line needs to be remembered.

  6. Andrew BuckinghamJanuary 21, 2014

    but I don’t think he pays much attention to prayers for regrowth.

    But maybe He does, Jason.

    Of course God cares ’bout American football. It needs to stop. The injuries alone make the sport horrendous. Not to mention the over the top flaunting of capitalism (say hello stupid commercials starting in two weeks, I hear the ones from the game Sunday are teasers for the commercials in the super bowl. what a joke, this is the great American religion: Football).

    Of course you are spot on, here, Jason. If I am a provoker, it’s due to my birth order. Just don’t hurt me, or especially my dog.

    Peace, yo.

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