Keeping Christ in Xmas

War on xmasMy dear friends, this is nothing short of a call to arms. While I always feel very keenly the degree to which I, a middle-class white male, am ever the victim of marginalization and attack, it is during this time of year, xmastime, that the assault on the American way of life is most pronounced.

It’s bad enough that only 76% of Americans share my religion, but now, during the xmas season, I fear for the very existence of my minority. I mean, just this past weekend, when I was body-checking a toddler whose swarthy mother I had in a choke hold because she was trying to snatch the last remaining copy of Grand Theft Auto  off the shelf at Best Buy, it occurred to me: If the Moslems get their way, this xmas spirit I am exhibiting right now could become a thing of the past. The very thought of ceding cultural control to such a violent religion is enough to make me want to burn some witches at the stake (not that I’d ever do something like that this time of year — Halloween’s still ten months away).

And make no mistake, if we let our guard down, not just in the culture war but in the war on xmas in particular, sharia law will  be enacted (Obama’s probably got the launch date already picked out). Now, I’m not sure exactly what sharia law is, but I know it can’t be good. I mean, the day I acquiesce to mixing (non-Christian) religion and politics to the point that (non-Christian) religious laws are enacted, (non-Christian) religious practices are protected, and (non-Christian) religious leaders get huge income tax benefits, is the day I cease to be an American.

And honestly, what’s more American-slash-Christian than spending obscene amounts of money I don’t have on things I don’t need? What’s more American-slash-Christian than helping to ensure that sweatshop labor is still in demand? (That nine cents a day has to come from somewhere, you know.) And what’s more American-slash-Christian than making sure little Jewish boys get to sing “O Little Town of Bethlehem” in the schools their parents’ tax dollars fund?

So be strong, my fellow Americans-slash-Christians! If we take heart and play our cards right, we just may avoid extinction after all. And once we finally gain the upper hand, cultural dominance will be ours. 

Our first order of business should be getting something about “trusting God” printed on our money.


  1. […] dialing back the annual panic over the WAR ON CHRISTMAS!!!! […]

  2. TheRealAaronDecember 9, 2013

    sharia law will be enacted (Obama’s probably got the launch date already picked out)
    Chin up! If we can be sure of anything, it’s that Obama can’t hit a launch date.

  3. JasonDecember 9, 2013

    Hahaha! Thank Allah for that (must be his Kenyan background).

  4. Amanda GarciaDecember 9, 2013

    All I know is that it’s a total bummer that Christmas falls on a Wednesday this year. Thanks a lot Obama!

  5. ZsuzsiDecember 9, 2013

    I thank Allah that I’m not ‘Merican, so I don’t have to deal with heavy issues like this… my country has it a LOT easier… Have a Satisfactory, Non-Denominational Capitalist Wintertime Gift-Giving Season, my friends!

  6. Links! | Phoenix PreacherDecember 9, 2013

    […] J.J.S. on the war on Xmas… […]

  7. JasonDecember 9, 2013

    You must from one of those godless European socialist nations.

  8. MelissaDecember 9, 2013

    “Have a Satisfactory, Non-Denominational Capitalist Wintertime Gift-Giving Season…”!!!! Ha ha ha!

    Excellent article…moan…

  9. nikaDecember 9, 2013

    It’s disappointing to see this kind of one sided and frankly, blatantly ignorant commentary on this site. Christianity is the very epitome of giving and generosity which this holiday of Christmas celebrates.

  10. JasonDecember 9, 2013

    Hi Nika,

    This was satire. Sorry that wasn’t clearer.

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